Sunday, July 03, 2005

Almost every single person I know, or interact with has had a secret question they want to ask me privately.

I'm not referring to freinds of mine, but EVERYone. The mailman, my neighbor, almost every single person I work with....including hundreds of people who I don't even know, but merely work in the same building as I do.

You can see the question in their eyes, as they smile warmly...looking around to make sure nobody is looking. Then they drop their voice an octave and ask, can I ask you a "personal question?"

I don't have the heart to tell them that is soooo obvious what they want to ask. Sometimes they preface by saying something you're looking great! Some make jokes about all the new clothes I've had to buy or they compliment me on a new outfit.

At the risk of being distracted, what is it with people thinking I've got tons of cash because Im wearing new outfits everyday? Do they not realize that clothing is a basic necessity, like food and shelter? Can they not see "outlet mall" or "wal-mart" aura clinging to my clothes? No, I didn't win the lottery...I'm actually going broke trying to keep my pants on.

That sounds pretty funny. OK--back to the original rant.

So, now they have finally gotten me to agree that, yes, they can ask me something personal and made sure noone will overhear their SECRET question. Now, they ask, what's the secret to all the weight you've been losing?

The peple really want to know a SECRET. They don't want to hear about the hard-boiled eggs I've had for breakfast the last 400 days in a row, the 584th dinner salad, nor any detail of the 20 hours I spent working out last week. (The details could easily be provided, right down to the average heart rate and caloric expenditure of each workout, and I could tell you all about next week's too.) Nope, they don't want to know about any of that.

I suspect the folks I don't know well are expecting me to admit to them that I had gastric they can feel smug that they are above such a thing. Ok, I can see that.

But what about the people who DO know me? If they thought about it for 3 seconds (hey, shorter time than looking around to see who's listening), they would not remember me taking a month off in the recent past. Anyone I work with must see that when I eat, I generally eat pretty large (although usually very healthy) meals. I don't think these folks are trying to elicit some type of confession.

They must really want to know the secret. Yes, ladies, its taken me 36 years to figure it out, and I'm not going to share it with you! Sometimes, I am very tempted to tell them something foolish...just for my own amusement. Like:

Eat one cashew immediately upon wakening. Before going to the bathroom.
Before going to bed, have 3 tablespoons peanut butter on top of limberger cheese.
Eat all you want, but drink 3 cups of coffee each day laced with chunks of celery.
Don't urinate on Mondays.